Therapist vs Ninjas
by Bag o' Moon Frogs
Summary: In this tale of utter misery and woe, Tsunade hires a therapist. But is this therapist tough enough to counsel a bunch of ninjas? Read on to find out in this action adventure of war, drama, and… therapy? More complete summary inside. DISCONTINUED!
1. Enter Kazue

Therapist vs

**Therapist vs. Ninjas**

**AN: Yay, my newest story! This is entirely crack on what I think should happen. I mean, seriously, Konoha needs a therapist!**

**Summary: In this tale of utter misery and woe, Tsunade hires a therapist. But is the therapist tough enough to counsel a bunch of ninjas? Will the Konoha gennin survive this latest torture? Read on to find out in this action adventure about war, drama, and… therapy? Perhaps pairings in the future, that will be decided by vote.**

"Speaking"

_'thinking'_

_**'Inner Sakura'**_

Chapter 1: Bad Ideas and Mutinous Ninja

"Shizune! Shizune, come here!" shouted the somewhat drunk hokage.

There was a few minutes silence.

"Dammit, Shizune, where are you!?"

"I'm here, Tsunade-sama" said the out of breath assistant. She had just run all the way from the bottom floor of the hokage tower, as the elevators had broken down.

"I have an idea!" Tsunade said brightly.

Oh no. Most of Tsunade's "ideas" were horrible plans to torture her gennin.

"Oink-o," oinked Tonton worriedly, echoing Shizune's thoughts.

"Have you noticed that the mission success rates have been going down?"

"Yes…" _'Maybe Tsunade-sama has a decent plan after all!'_ Shizune thought.

"I think that it may be because of issues that make it hard to interact with their teams and function well together, like depression and anger problems."

Alarm bells went off inside of Shizune's head. "Ok…"

"I propose that we hire a therapist and force the kids to- I mean give the kids counseling!"

"Gaaah!" Shizune gave the copyrighted Shizune-scream and fell on her back. Getting up she asked "But how are we going to pay for all of the Gennin!?"

"Don't worry, I have a friend who, I'm sure, will do charity work for such a noble cause as this!"

"Oink?" said Tonton, with as much skepticism as a pig could muster.

"You mean torturing the gennin?" Shizune asked, picking up Tonton

"Exactly. Now , if you don't mind, I will go send a message to my friend." Tsunade walked out of the room, leaving her assistant in a state of complete shock. Only after Tsunade had left did Shizune remember.

"TSUNADE-SAMMMAAAAAA, YOU DIDN'T FINISH YOUR PAPERWORK, DID YOU!?" Shizune's shout sent a flock of birds and summer interns flying.

--

Giggling as he quickly disappeared from the door before the Hokage could catch him eavesdropping, Hatake Kakashi thought about her plans. Yep, this would be excellent. He had wanted to get Sasuke therapy, if only to torture the angsty youth, but now he had an excuse to torture his whole team! Fun fun!

--

Kakashi was singing to himself as he walked up to his students. Suddenly Sakura noticed him. **(AN: Now we know why he's late all the time!)**

"Kakashi-sensei! You were supposed to meet us at eight and it's almost ten-thirty!" She glared accusingly at her sensei, as did Sasuke. Naruto didn't, though, as he was beginning to catch on to his teachers plans and had only just arrived.

"Aw, come on, it's only ten-twenty two."

"Same difference!" Sakura shouted.

"Well, this time I have a really good excuse. First I was walking down the street towards you punctually at eight o'clock. Then I was assaulted by a group of rabid squirrels who took me to their king Bong-Bong and put me on trial for-"

"If you think we believe a word of that nonsense, you are sorely mistaken," said our all too famous angsty Uchihah.

_**'Sasuke's so cool!' **_Inner Sakura cried.

_'That Sasuke-teme, I wanted to say that and impress Sakura-chan!'_ Naruto thought, sending an all too familiar wave of killing intent at said teme.

Then, as if it was a god sent distraction, team Kurenai walked by.

"Hi, Hinata, watcha guys doing?" shouted Naruto, waving so hard that you'd think that his arm would come off.

Hinata blushed and pointed her fingers, fighting off the urge to hide behind her sensei. "Um, w-we were s-s-summoned to the ho-hokage t-tower by Tsunade-s-sama."

"She said that all of the gennin teams were to come," Kiba broke in.

"Hn," said Shino

"Would your team like to come with us, Kakashi?" asked Kurenai. "We're supposed to tell any other teams that we run into."

"Sure, why not," Kakashi replied, stowing his ever present orange book. "Let's get going. So much for training today."

"If you had arrived on time for a change, then there would've been time for training," Sakura muttered, but followed along with her group.

--

When all of the groups (the rookie nine plus team Gai) had been assembled in Tsunade's office, she began her speech."Now, I have gathered you here today to discuss a serious issue. Your mission success rates."

A worried murmur spread through the room.

"It has been falling lately, especially for the gennin, or in other words you. I have come up with a plan to help reverse this."

An especially worried- no, terrified murmur was whispered among the gennin. They knew all too well about Tsunade-sama's "plans."

"I believe that the problem here is simple. You can't get along with each other because of mental instability. I have hired a therapist who you will be seeing as long as it takes to turn this trend around."

A mutinous murmur spread through the room, punctuated by the giggles and laughs of the senseis

"Hold it! You adults have to take therapy too. Whose to say that you're not the ones causing the problem?"

Now the senseis were muttering, much to the delight of their students.

"Your sessions will be starting in three days. You will have them twice a week. You won't be late, Kakashi."

"Hm?" the masked shinobi said, looking up from his reading material.

"Meeting dismissed."

--

Two Days Later

"Hiya, Tsunade!" The speaker threw her bags down on the floor.

"Hello, Kazue."

"So, why did you ask me to come here? You've got to have a reason." Kazue walked across the room and put her hands on Tsunade's desk.

"You got your Psychology degree this year?" Tsunade inquired, her tone of voice neutral.

"Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?" asked Kazue, puzzled.

Tsunade laced her fingers beneath her chin. " I have a special request for you."

--

**So how did you like it? It has the longest chapter that I have ever written! **

**I appreciate criticism, but tell me why you didn't like it. I always try to improve! I reply to every review I get, unless I get epic amounts which I doubt. I really like long reviews, so if you want to get on my good side give me one! Thanks!**

**This has been your friendly neighborhood Narutard,**

**Mooneyº**


	2. Team Gai Group Therapy

AN: Gah

**AN: Gah! I wasn't allowed on the computer on the last two days before school started and when it did I got bombarded with homework! I am so sorry for the late update. Also, school has started back up for me so updates will be erratic from now on. Sorry!**

**Damn, I just realized that I finished this but forgot to post it! Sorry! It's here now…**

**BTW, Senju st. Senju was the first hokage's last name.**

Chapter 2: Team Gai

Three days after the original meeting, the gennin of Konoha gathered again in Tsunade's office, this time with Tsunade's "special guest" as well.

"Today is the day that your therapy sessions will begin. There will be one team per day, starting with group therapy for all four of you and then individual sessions. Dr. Kazue will explain the rest to you."

Kazue gave a look as if to say "Dr. Kazue? What the Flapjack Tsunade?" But she said nothing and stepped up.

"Hello, kids!" she exclaimed in an overly peppy way.

All of the "kids" looked at her with skepticism.

Kazue gulped and continued; "Ok, your sessions will be one day a week. You and your team will go together. First you will have group therapy and then individual sessions. Any questions?"

There was a wave of mumbling throughout the room. Mostly groans.

Noting the wave of murderous intend, Kazue quickly finished her speech. "WouldGai'steampleasecomeintomorrowbye!" (Would Gai's team please come in tomorrow bye!) she said and disappeared. She was pretty sure she could take one or two of them, but not all of them at once.

Tsunade sighed. "She wants you to come in tomorrow, Gai. Bring your team. Her office is 1258 Senju Street."

--

One day later

"Why did we have to go first?" Tenten groaned.

Neji gave a grunt that sounded a bit like "how should I know?"

"But guys, it is an excellent time to exercise our youth!" shouted Lee in an overly "youthful" way.

"Well said, Lee!" shouted Gai-sensei, "manly tears" flowing down his cheeks.

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

And then they "youthfully" embraced.

"Tch." Neji, of course.

--

"Hello, and welcome to your sessions!" a receptionist dressed all in pink said energetically.

"Tch."

"Why?" Tenten moaned.

"Why hello, we would take any chance to take advantage of our springtime of youth!" Gai-sensei shouted, giving his signature "good guy pose."

"Gai-sensei!"

The receptionist's hand moved slowly toward the silent security button, but just as she was about to hit it Kazue came out.

"Ah, team Gai, how marvelous it is to see you!"

The receptionist relaxed slightly, but beckoned for Kazue to come closer.

"Yes, what is it Kyoko?" She leaned down to listen. "Ah, yes… That would fit with the description… Yes, I can see that we will need to work on that."

She straightened up. "We will be having out group therapy session now, so if you will just follow me…" She led them into a small grey room with the walls papered in proverbs,

"This is where your sessions will take place. Now, why don't we talk?"

Lee raised his hand.

"Yes, Lee?" Kazue said with a sigh.

"What should we talk about?"

"Anything you want to! Now who wants to start?"

Lee's hand immediately began waving in the air, whereas the others (excluding Gai-sensei) slunk down lower in their chairs.

"Yes, Lee?"

Lee launched into a long and involved tale about how he had seen a butterfly and how this was relevant to the springtime of youth, but Kazue didn't really listen. After several tries to get the others to talk she finally gave up and let Lee talk for the rest of the hour. Finally Group therapy time was over and single sessions had begun.

"Ok, Gai, you stay in my room. You guys, go outside to the waiting room and try not to bother Kyoko.

**Fin.**

**How did you like this one? I will appreciate reviews! I will laugh in the face of flames and then report them to site admin. If you don't like it, tell me why!**

**Sorry for the shortness of the chapter, I didn't want to do everyone's therapy at the same time! That would have taken forever and a half…**

**Mooneyº**


	3. AUTHOR'S NOTE

**I am very sorry to report the fact that this story will be, from this point onward, discontinued. This is due to the fact that the whole idea was not as funny as I thought it would be. Send your complaints to me, and if you were waiting for a specific character to be therapied, I might write you their chapter and send it. Arigato!**

**Mooneyº**


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